Sep. 14th, 2008
I use the security by obscurity model for my blogging. To use password protected posts seem useless for my uses since I have no idea who the reader should be. She uses password protected posts and I have no password. Just one of the posts has been open for everyone to read and comment but now that is password protected too.
She is closer in geographical distance than she has been for the last two years, but she is more distant than ever.
May. 19th, 2008
Livejournal has ads for "Russian beauties", maybe indicating Livejournal's Russian connections. I am, however, more interested in an American beauty. No, not Scarlett or Kirsten but another woman with Scandinavian roots.
To be honest she is probably more of a Scandinavian beauty since nine months in America hardly makes one American (or does it?). In less than 24 hours (or 30 hours local time) it's her 25th birthday. I haven't bought any birthday or christmas presents to her before (just gifts at other times) so I have no idea on how she will react when (if) the gifts reach her.
By the wonders of electronic commerce nothing physical except electrons will have traveled between Europe and America.
Mar. 20th, 2008
I dreamt of her this week again. I found myself in a store converted to an university library together with a colleague when I happened to meet her there. She was not glad to see me, reluctant and even more introvert than I am. Opposite of what I would do in reality I held my arm behind her back and she just backed out. Then she said something mentioning "God" and in the next sentence: "You are not my concern" or something as bureaucratic.
Aug. 26th, 2007
Last night I dreamt of her. It was more explicit than any of the dreams with her that I can remember. In earlier dreams I have never been close to her (I once dreamt of an IM conversation on a typewriter). This time I was in a small room together with my family where we would sleep. There were a large number of beds in that room. I suggested a series of swaps of beds in order to share a bed together with her, and I managed!
I got to see her naked, she shaved me (probably because I really need to shave) and we lay close together. The dream sequence ended with a surreal twist: she suddenly was split into two persons. One little girl and one the same age as her (but who didn't look like her).
Jul. 25th, 2007
09:28 pm - Second time
I actually managed to get her to see a movie with me once again. This time it was summer outside and not winter. Last time she met me with a hug, this time we didn't even touch. Yesterday I read a novel where one of the characters suggest that all nerds are slightly autistic and have problem with physical contact. I don't know if that is true in general but I certainly have large difficulties when it comes to touching other people.
During my school years (from about 14 years of age through high school and university) I envied all classmates that dared to lay their hand on another classmate's shoulder or the like. Not that I have trouble with shaking hands with other people but all other form of physical contact are hard for me. The times I have brushed against the girl I have a crush on for the moment I can cherish forever.
So I have no such memories from this time. Maybe I should try harder to let people (or at least her) into my physical proximity and perhaps take the initiative myself sometime.
Jun. 6th, 2007
You are... 0% unique and 30% herdlike
(partly because you, like everyone else, enjoy writing).
When it comes to friends you are normal. In terms of the way you relate to people, you are keen to please.
Your writing style (based on a recent public entry) is conventional.
Your overall weirdness is: 26(The average level of weirdness is: 27.
You are weirder than 59% of other LJers.)
Find out what your weirdness level is!
May. 18th, 2007
"They don't look like they are so much in love." someone wrote after seeing that picture. Maybe it's so but the question is what the photographer has perceived that isn't possible to deduct from the image itself.
May. 13th, 2007
12:57 am - Find of the day:
A photo posted on an online photo community (OK, the photo community) depicting her together with a classmate and a caption hinting that they are in love with each other.
Apr. 29th, 2007
09:57 pm - My weekend
This weekend I was to back to my old hometown. Well it is still my hometown officially, but I am not there more than once a month nowadays. Since I haven't cancelled my newspaper subscription I'm met with a large pile inside the door everytime I come home to my apartment.
I went there to fetch my bills (since I actually been there twice this month there only was one bill waiting for me this time). The other activity planned to Saturday was to proof-read the student magazine. I had via e-mail to the organizers made sure that the girl I have crush on since a few months back (or a couple years depending on your definition of a crush) would be there. Apparently that mail had been forwarded since the girl waiting there discussed its contents.
After fifteen minutes or so she appeared together with a common friend. Compared to the last two times we've met the distance between us felt longer. We talked a little and she referred to our common online activities but nonetheless she felt more distant.
When we were finished she, her friend and I walked to the central parts of town. We said goodbye to each other and I walked the 3 kilometers to my apartment. After moving all the newspapers and sorting through my other mail I could have take the train back to my new hometown if it wasn't for the fact that I had a train ticket for Sunday evening. I had some hopelessly romantic idea of convincing her of going to see a movie together with me despite the fact that I've only succeeded with that once during the last 6 months.
Maybe she doesn't like me but doesn't want to disappoint me by saying it, but the stated reason for her saying no every time seems to have been legit. She doesn't have time, her school work take nearly every minute of her waken time. It is hard to witness all tell tale signs I've seen from my sister all over again, and this time from a person that I'm not close enough to do anything about it.
So I spent Saturday afternoon, Saturday evening, Sunday morning, Sunday afternoon and Sunday evening doing nothing but feel bad, sleeping, watching BTTF II and III, feel dejected, eat some junk food and feel bad some more.
Then I went to the train station and took the train in the other direction. Maybe I should leave it at that and never return.
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